


Trapped

by MaryTagus



Series: Not all is bright colors and rainbows [7]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 09:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5823544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryTagus/pseuds/MaryTagus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the first time alone in the loft Felicity dwells on the life she lost and the person she was and is. After all the pain she get's a visit from Thea and finds that,in a way, they are both on the same situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trapped

Trapped. Felicity had been searching for the right word most of the morning and she finally found it.

After a, still broken, Oliver left the loft that very morning Felicity had been setting things to her liking. 

Oliver had moved their bedroom downstairs and had taken all the care with everything but still, her new condition, just forced her to make some adjustment on things which kept her busy for a few hours.

But that was done, there was not much else to keep busy and it was taking it’s toll. She wanted to go out but she felt trapped. Forever trapped… a wave of panic picking up inside.

“Stop it.” She spoke out loud, hoping that her own words echoing the room would resonate, keeping the spiral of panic and self pity in her brain at bay.

She wasn’t trapped she could go out, through the door to the elevator to the outside. It would take some work the first time but she could do it. 

But her mind kept nagging. And go where?

Palmer Tech? The mere thought made her cringe. She couldn’t face the pity in all the faces that, she already anticipating, were expecting her there. No to getting back to Palmer Tech, at least for a while. She would go back to work from home like she did before. 

The lair? With the thought came the staggering pain. A memory, a different version of her running various computers at once. Enjoying the perfect running system she worked hard to get in place. A version of herself that was now forever unreachable.

As Felicity battled against her own thoughts the pain moves, lodging in her throat and menacingly taking over her lungs, there it sets growing bigger and heavier, making breathing harder and setting off tears in her eyes. 

Her brain, numb against the pain, is of little help. Her friends, her, now family, need her; the city, needs her and she can’t be there. She would never again be there.

As the reality of it sets in, the pain grows even stronger taking control of her all.

Felicity struggles to breath through the lump in her throat, through the tears, through the pain that is threatening to tear her apart. 

She lost track on how much time it took to rein in all the emotions going through her. Oliver’s name coming to mind marks the moment she finally got some control over herself.

Felicity felt glad Oliver wasn’t here, she’s glad he wasn’t here to witness the moment she broke, the moment the knowledge that her old self was lost was fully comprehend. The moment she found she was not only trapped but lost. Yes she was free to move, yes she was alive, but she would never be the same Felicity ever again. Something had broken inside, not only her spine, something even deeper, something she didn’t know how to name but that was a big piece of Felicity Smoak and it was gone, never, she feared, to be recovered.

The sound of the phone ringing breaks through the wave of despair that is settling in making the sense of urgency on getting it temporarily surpass the last remnants of her mental battle for sanity.

Oliver smiling at her from their room in Bali conjures a hint of a faint smile but does little for the silent tears making their way down her cheeks to her lap.

“Hi” she focus on small words knowing any elaborate talk and Oliver could tell she’s crying.

“Hi.” the upbeat tone sounding as fake as hers. “Have you eaten yet?”

Was it lunch time already? 

“What time is it?”

“About two. I’ve left you lunch in the freezer, Felicity. You have to eat.”

“I will. Promise. I was just… distracted.”

For a moment Oliver hold silent. Would he ask what she had been doing? What would she say? 

“I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

She braced herself for the biggest lie she had ever said to him.

“I’m okay, Oliver. Don’t worry.”

Another silent moment, filled with all her need for him to believe the lie and his need to believe her words but not quite believing.

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Felicity set the phone down only then taking notice that her left hand was hard and painfully grabbing the armrest. Untangling it she watches as the cold white hand turns red with the blood flowing into it once again.

A glimpse to the kitchen. Knowing Oliver, he left something she likes but on the wake of it all Felicity fells spent, exhausted, almost unable to move. Her stomach shurms, she’s now aware of it, but the lump is still filling her throat it will be hard to get any food past it.

But she promised him she would eat and her stomach keeps getting louder. As she opens the fridge taking out the plate, all ready to go into the microwave, the small note on top of it makes the tears drop harder.

She can hardly make out the words, in truth the words don’t even matter. The small little piece of pink paper with Oliver’s handwriting on it it’s her undoing and the struggle to breath grows stronger once more but this time it’s different. It’s not self pity fueled, her heart goes out to him as it always had. He doesn’t deserve this, he deserves to be happy, he deserves to be with someone that makes him happy; how can she be that person when she feels like happiness is a door that just closed in her face not to be open again?

Felicity cleans the tears, a fail attempt to read the note as her vision gets blurry in seconds with more tears. Her stomach decided to issue another warning but this time like a small stab. She needs to eat. The plate is soon turning in the microwave filling the kitchen with a delicious smell, but for the first time since Oliver found his passion for cooking the food is tasteless, like sawdust in her mouth. At least her stomach stopped is demanding ramblings.

Felicity hears the door. “Please not Oliver. Please.” the whisper hardly reaching her own hears.

“Felicity… Where are you?”

Thea. What’s she doing here? The flint thought of not answering and hiding herself is fastly turn down as it’s impossible to do that without worrying everyone. Felicity turns fast to the sink cleaning her tears and holding the plate under the tap hoping the sound of it covers for the tears in her voice.

“In the kitchen.”  

“What are you doing?”

“Cleaning up after lunch.”

“Lunch?”

Something in Thea’s tone of voice tells Felicity it’s way too late for lunch. Not wanting Thea to dwell on the issue Felicity turns the questioning around.

“What’s up?”

“Just making you a bit of company.”

Even in her state of mind Felicity can tell Thea is worried about something. She could handle that. Dealing with other people’s problems is much better then dealing with your own.

“Thank you. So what’s up?”

“Not fooling anyone am I?”

“Don’t know about the “anyone”, I can only speak for myself.”

Thea sat in a kitchen chair looking at some unseen point past the wall.

“My blood lust is getting back and it’s stronger.”

Felicity thinks on how wrong she was a second ago. This problem she can’t fix this problem she doesn’t even know how to help Thea with, she’s not sure anyone can. Even if the circumstances are different Felicity can’t help but thinking Thea is as trapped and lost as she is.


End file.
